the edges of myself

words, words, words

I’ve successfully navigated the first third of my t.v.-free journey. I gave myself a few days without the pressure of writing which felt appropriate and good. Today is my day off and I began it as I do each week by taking a class at my studio taught by a dear colleague and friend. Afterwards the two of us spent an hour over tea talking and catching up. (She’s been out of town for the last week– and I’m heading out in two days). We talked about my recent realizations and process of liberation from distraction and her recent travels and discoveries.

One of the things I articulated that I hadn’t really acknowledged until talking to her was that my professional life in the last week has felt immensely fulfilling. Each of my days has been full of exactly the work that I want to be doing. And while there have been a few bumps at home with my family making the necessary adjustments as my t.v. free habits ripple outwards– my whole life feels immensely FULL. I realize that as I take the time for myself that I consistently ask other people to take for themselves– my light is getting brighter. I am an honest reflection for myself. I am no longer obscuring anything from my sight or anyone else’s.

A few days ago I was at a client’s house doing a space clearing when I was confronted with my own imagination of a perception of myself. I was outside the front of their house, clarifying the electromagnetic boundaries and clearing the space with my drum. It was around 11 am. Next door a window that was facing me opened and then quickly shut. I glanced over and saw nothing more than the hand that opened and closed the window. I continued drumming and slowly moved back inside with a smile on my face imagining the bewildered neighbor’s perspective.

“There’s a bald woman drumming next door!” I envision a woman shouting to her husband in another room– and I see myself from her perspective. And it fills me with joy.

In the last week I have had several visions of myself as a fierce warrior. These visions feel like a remembering– a re-inhabiting. Last night a friend and client who I had seen earlier in the day messaged me to say that he had a crazy flashback while standing at the butcher counter of me as an Egyptian goddess/healer. AWESOME.  And when I see myself in the mirror there is a deep and abiding recognition of myself that I’ve never before experienced. As I begin to move through the world forgetting that I may look unusual to other people– I notice that peoples’ reaction to me is different. Because I am not self-conscious, they are able to more easily take me in. Our own vision of ourselves is truly what is reflected to the outside world.

For the very first time in my life I am wholly unapologetic for myself. And I am hiding behind NOTHING. And in just two days I’m unleashing myself (and my sweet family) on Costa Rica!! Let the adventure begin!

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