the edges of myself

words, words, words

It’s been three days now that I’ve gone without my drug of choice. Yesterday evening was challenging. I came home from work exhausted and had the house to myself. My pattern in this instance is to use this time for a guilty pleasure, namely watching a show that I watch by myself. The truest of …

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I’ve closed my heart before locked it tightly– buried the key beneath layers of shoulds and coulds and woulds   I’ve watched myself walk away treading carefully, moving backwards longing for an explanation some semblance of the truth   I’ve understood the sting of rejection– internalized its pointy edges, embracing their lessons along with the …

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You, who will drop everything for a friend, or even an acquaintance– set aside your plans or desires without even the slightest look back– or thought for SELF.   She has taught you a very lopsided version of boundaries– barriers perhaps is a better word– walls which are programmed to spring into action when the …

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this is for me. a necessary part of my process this singular narration a weaving of words to give birth to these feelings welling within– unnecessarily contained. The worlds of trust you are teaching with your reticence and fear are miraculous– though not without bruises and bumps– sometimes maybe even a little blood. i know …

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i cannot compete with a ghost her hold upon your heart– gut wrenchingly precise.  keeping you folded– a neatly stacked pile of protection, save those tiny glimpses of trust. Nor can i measure against a sweet babe, her newness and discovery perfectly prescribed for your carefully crafted vision of lonely. My arms cannot extend past …

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We are helping to heal each other you and i traversing this stretch of time, an unwieldy highway, hand in hand. Watching the layers peel away feeling lighter with each small forward step increasingly aware of the young boy peering out from underneath the years of practiced pain– contained because you knew no other way. …

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my first born baby you always will be the one who ushered me into this space a clearer, confident identity able to move through the world and keep pace with those who previously hadn’t seen the shy and shrinking girl, now carrying your dynamic beauty along with me the brightness of your eyes and smile …

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